Sunday, January 13, 2008

2007 list

Wendy and I always talk about writing a book together. After I start the conversation, I then tune out her “I could never write a book with you” yabbering by going into my own world and deciding what our book will be about. Since, present company excluded, Wendy and I are best people in the whole wide world, my favorite subject is us. So of course our book will be a random amalgamation of chapters - some by me, some by her - that include recipes, efficiency ideas, life tips, quips about work, music/book/movie recommendations and stories about our children.

Unfortunately, I have played this through its paces mentally and it doesn’t end well. After our parents have purchased their copies at our big signing at the Sterling McDonalds, we autograph them (“To (Parent Name). Best Regards, Andy and Wendy”) and wait…..and wait….and then leave the other 199,996 copies stacked up on the table. Wendy and I declare war on the world go into seclusion at an undisclosed location selected at time of our own choosing.

Instead of writing a letter to my anger at the imaginary public’s lack of taste, I have pushed that anger down….and wrote in this year’s list some chapter synopses of the items I would write in our collaboration. If you are a publisher, you know where to find me…or you will know where to find my attorney as I have copyrighted this entire year’s list beeyaat……But first, some of the ‘normal’ rants.

The following are DEAD to me
- Scrubs
- Seal
- Simpsons (non-movie). There. I said It.
- Soprano, Tony
- Starbuck (Battlestar Galactica season premiere in April!)
- Smashing Pumpkins
- Alliteration
- Non-time-shifted TV – the best $15 I spent in ’07 was the cord that allows my PC to hook to my TV for Netflix Watch Now
- Cryptoons in Games magazine
- Doornails. Or at least they appear to be.
- Phish. Think about it.
- The Wiggles, thank the almighty
- CDs – In ’07 we went 90/10 as Wendy and Becca crossed the digital divide too.

While writing this, there were moments where I put several people - including relatives - that really were dead on this list. While I initially thought it hysterically funny, I then got offended and put myself on the list and burst the time space continuum making me even more sure I deserved to be on the list.

Also, don't get cocky that you aren't on that ‘dead to me’ list, Prince. You are merely on my ' deep coma with moments of lucidity' list.

Here is the first sneak peek on our book that Wendy has now begged me to write without dragging her into it.

We Are, Quite Possibly, The Best People on Earth (Present Company Excluded)
by Andy and Wendy Lipshultz

Chapter 1: I am an Entertainment Snot
Synopsis: ‘Cute’ movies piss me off: I can’t get those mindless hours back. Also, I don’t see the first-mover advantage to seeing something before everyone else. To ensure my ‘checkout time’ is well spent, ‘tasters’ (Paste, RollingStone, Netflix recommendations) chew my entertainment first and I make note of what didn’t kill them. By the time my outboard memory computer lists (To listen to/To Read/Netflix queue) have force-fed me the things I forgot I wanted to consume, I drink myself ‘Sideways’ only on the good, unpoisoned stuff.

Chapter 58: Microsoft and RIM have made me their b***h
Highlights: …to keep my mind free from having to remember things, I only go where Outlook or Wendy tell me, which have now become the same thing. While I’m on the elliptical, my Blackberry meeting reminder buzzes and it’s either my team lead meeting is coming up or the Outlook meeting invite Wendy sent me for Zack and Becca’s Tae Kwon Do practice…..

….every night I’m on email using wifi in from of the TV to enable me to leave work early and see the kids before they go to bed. This does not stop me from reading AND RESPONDING to my email on the drive home…

…use email to contact everyone in a mass email under the guise of a “Year end review” and call it keeping in touch/networking efficiency at its peak.

Chapter 4: Songs that start as if in the middle of a story or sentence = awesome

Okay back to the list for a while…

The best 13 items of entertainment that I saw/experienced this year

13) Spoon “Ga Ga Ga Ga Ga” – Best album title since Yo La Tengo’s “I Am Not Afraid of You and I Will Beat Your Ass”

12) Once – How I can recommend a love story musical? When it seems more like behind the scenes studio extras, has Thom Yorke-like material and a very real ending.

11) Diaper Genie Party - Every so often, Wendy and I get inspired to have a very odd-themed party. Around the time we and most of our friends were leaving our 20's, we had the still-infamous Mexican St. Patrick's Day 30th Birthday party (Green tacos with birthday cake are a hard memory to shake). This year, Wendy wanted to celebrate our the end of wiping others’ ends, which led us to the logical conclusion of a Diaper Genie Bon Voyage event. This was complete with

- Diaper Genie photo booth – as guests entered, they were asked to take a picture with the dressed up Genie for posterity. Wendy noted the resulting array of pictures looks like some sort of art project. Check it out.
- Bathroom-themed Kids games
- Drop tootsie rolls from great heights into the genie
- 'Accident Alley' water balloon toss
- Pin the Diaper on the Diaper Genie
- 'Ask Genie' Fortune telling – brave souls - or those without a good sense of smell - reached inside said genie for their future
- 'Boom Boom Bye Bye' CD giveaway with a bodily-function themed playlist. "One" by Three Dog Night was never so great out of context "One is the loneliest number that you ever knew...Two can be as bad as one...”
- A final farewell - A diaper genie jazz funeral, complete with kids on the block following me and genie around as "The Saints Go Marching In" blared out. The final crescendo – throwing Mr. DG into it's final resting place: the recycling bin.

10) Kanye West “Graduation” – Continuing to grow on me like the last one did.

9) “Jack in Loudon” on New Years Eve – I never understood the appeal of ‘First Night’ where town has an alcohol-free event in churches, public works buildings and other various venues around town for families on New Years. I preferred to just get plastered at home. This year, however, we decided to give it a try in Leesburg VA and, in addition to the magicians and reptile shows there was something really special.

In the front of a dilapidated movie theater was a stage with several mid-twenties guys, all brothers, in overalls and flannel playing stand-up bass, mandolin and banjo next to an old overlay machine displaying ornate shadow puppets. The band interspersed great original bluegrass tunes in a 40 minute story told by an elder southern man.

We interrupt this list for more of DAS BOOK

Chapter 4: I regress to ‘That Guy’ whenever I have an excuse
Synopsis: There is nothing wrong with reliving past glory whenever you see people from the past. So say we all. Example: Me to Mahoney (college roommate) as I fall into old habits ordering countless shots at Slob’s (fraternity brother’s) wedding. Me: “Oh yeah I forgot to tell you, ‘that guy’ is here’.” Mahoney to me: “Umm….I specifically ordered not ‘that guy’” I then proceed to not remember the rest of the evening.

Chapter 83: Carry too much sh*t
Synopsis: When I go somewhere, I always think about the next two to three places I may go after that and bring the right ‘equipment’ with me so I don’t have to double back. Warning: A keg at a 5pm Friday meeting is career limiting. Trust Me.

Chapter 5: While famous, drop names of friends
Synopsis: Matt Monjan

Now back to DAS LIST.

8) The Office not jumping the shark (Jim and Pam) – $50 Schrute Bucks for more!

7) The Mountain Goats “Cotton” – I’m not sure how this song did it, but I have never been so jealous of stoners as watching the show Weeds (amazing!) where two laughed uncontrollably destroying their own house for no reason. Sure looked funny.

6) Radiohead "In Rainbows" – Best quote from Big Champagne’s Eric Garland on Radiohead’s ‘name your own price’ model. “Yes it’s a great new business model. Step 1: Be Radiohead.” As for the record itself…well, it’s a return to actually being Radiohead vs. being AvantGardeStrangeBandWhichBoresMeHead.

5) Great Documentaries on Netflix
- Ralph Nader: An Unreasonable Man - Ok, now I partially understand it.
- An Inconvenient Truth – Planning a hybrid as next car hasn’t made me feel too much better so the kids have to use allowance to carbon offset night lights.
- WalMart: High Cost of Low Prices - It's like finding out what's inside a hotdog
- No End in Sight – Explains the lack of pre-war preparations for post-Hussein Iraq and why we’re so f-ed vs. rehashing Bush’s lies…even though I can’t get over that either. Who could Bush ‘mislead’, really?
- Enron: The Smartest Guys in the Room – Obviously there were none of them on Pennsylvania ave. Okay, Bush rant is over. Sorry.
- Street Fight – Doc on Newark mayor race and how crooked the city is/was.

4) Amy Winehouse "Rehab" – The whole album is so-so, but a side benefit of listening to this over and over is that Pete is already singing about not going to Rehab.

3) Putting a brown paper bag over my MP3 player
This is both difficult for me to write and you to read, but…well, okay…I not only listened to the Dixie Chicks album "Taking the Long Way", but listened to it incessantly. An incredibly solid mainstream pop record, made by a previously country band with the spirit of punk. For you to spit in the face of your base takes some serious stones, ladies. You were ashamed to be from Texas and came back strong. I will be equally as strong, and put you on my list.

2) Meandering entertainment. There is something to be said for entertainment that doesn't take a straight line and allows for long breaks in the ‘action’ to build. So much like life that it is hard not to be addicted. Cases in point

- Harry Potter – These books are/were so great because you never know which path the heroes take that is going to lead to success and which is a dead end.
- No Country for Old Men – By its conclusion, you realize you just watched a ‘chase’ movie with a point and a soul crushing ending.
- The Sopranos and The Wire – Both hit some great points about life, kill off main characters with impunity, use longer breaks between action that feels like the ‘way it would be’ and show that work is work and life is life, no matter if you are police, mob, drug dealer, dock worker or politician.

1) My kids making me laugh – some of the best moments…

Pete (3)
· Pete comes into the room and begins drinking Wendy’s water without asking. Wendy to Pete, sarcastically: “Can I have some of your water’?” Pete to Wendy: “I don’t have any water, Mommy, this is your water.”
· “Pete I’m going to give this to you but DON’T swallow it.” Pete, two minutes later “More gum, please”. “Pete!” Pete: “I didn’t swallow it – I ate it.”
· Pete: “When are we were having another Diaper Genie Party?”
· After hearing how Santa comes down the chimney and leaves presents Pete: “and then he goes back to the mall?

Becca (5)
· Becca, please don’t tattle on your brother.” “I wasn’t tattling, I was reporting.”
· “Don’t even ask me how my day went. It was gross. It was disgusting,” cried a teary eyed Becca. As details spill out, her tale of woe was her over-the-top revulsion to a classmate getting sick right next to her. This story was recounted in the car on a long drive later that night. Two minutes later in the seat next to her, Pete cried “My tummy hurts” and gave Becca a massive instant replay of the day’s earlier events. Becca, beside herself, fell asleep with hand over nose.

Zack (7)
· His story also provides the Worst moment of 2007 . Zack pointed out that my 'I only support two teams: the Steelers and whoever beats the Ravens' tshirt technically means that I support the Patriots.

Honorable mention
- Opening Credit Theme(s) from the Wire – Best. Changing. Theme. Song. Ever.
- Hedwig and the Angry Inch – singing ‘Walk on the Wild Side’ with his/her head in an oven more than won me over
- The National – “Boxer”
- Band of Horses “Cease to Begin” – portfolio diversification for Built to Spill fans
- City of God -movie I slept on for too long
- Movie scenes: Borat’s Naked Fight and RickyBobby’s Grace
- Weakerthans “Reunion Tour”

15th annual “Mmmbop” Guilty Pleasure Award
Daughtry "Home"

The End

From Inside Book Jacket “About the authors”
….. live in suburban Northern Virginia with their three children Zack (7), Becca (5) and Pete (“I’m not telling you,” said Pete. He’s 3.) and cat Gomez (14). While holding steady day jobs at entertainment technology/telecom companies, at night the couple moonlight from home as chefs, janitors, laundromat operators, bakers, librarians, busboys, hospital staff, referees, and refrigerator art critics….Wendy has expressed an extreme dislike for April 1 for a strange reason….They have suppressed their million dollar ideas and will not act on them in the hopes that you will and then reward them handsomely “You down with Free IP?,” they have been known to shout randomly in the hopes that someone with a large checkbook will respond ““Yeah you know me”….